SCARE
by Patcat
Summary: A scare for Alex and Bobby.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Goren, Eames, and company belong to Dick  
Wolf and Company

Major angst.

Alex curled back into Bobby's arms. As wonderful, as glorious, as satisfying as their lovemaking was, she thought, this might be the best thing about it. This moment when she turned on her side, her back to Bobby, and spooned against him. He always wrapped his body around hers, his arm curling around her, usually so his hand could gently cup a breast. His soft warm  
breath brushed her hair, and she heard his soft murmurs of love in her ear. Alex had never felt so safe, so protected, so loved. It was happening now, and she purred as Bobby's arm slipped around her and his soft large hand caressed her left breast. Then, suddenly, as if he'd been shocked, Bobby stiffened.

"She's so beautiful," Bobby thought as he curled behind Alex. He was drowsy and drifting; their lovemaking always left him drained but contented. "The sex," he thought, "is wonderful, the best..." But these few moments after their coupling and just before sleep took them had come to be the greatest joys in Bobby's life. The aftermath of the pleasure they gave each other, the sense they were the only two people in the world, sent Bobby into ecstasy. Alex's trust in him and her demonstration of it by resting in his arms warmed and thrilled him. He let his arm slip over her body and rested his hand around her breast. And then he felt it, just beneath his fingertip.

"Bobby?" Alex's wondered.

Bobby's mind leaped into overdrive. "It could be nothing," he thought, "maybe it's always been there...should I tell her...it would only scare her...what..."

Bobby touched Alex's breast again to confirm what he feared. Then, tentatively, cautiously, her took her hand and guided it to the spot. Alex started, and sat up suddenly. Bobby raised himself, and warned her, "Light," and turned on the bedside lamp.

Alex was touching her breast, pressing the traitorous spot, staring at it as if she could wish it away. She was white, her eyes wide. Bobby could hear his heart pounding. "I can't do anything about this," he thought. "I can't..." He swallowed. "Get hold of yourself, Goren...this is definitely not about you..."

"Alex," he said quietly as he reached out to touch her shoulder.

She looked at him with frightened eyes.

"Don't panic," Bobby said, and he realized he was saying the words to himself as much as her. "Isit...it's not always been there?"

Fury rose in Alex. "How dare he think..." she thought, "No, wait...he's trying to keep us both calm..."

"It wasn't there three weeks ago when I did my monthly self exam," she answered, trying to keep her voice steady. "And my doctor didn't notice anything six months ago when I had my physical."

"Ok," Bobby said. He was trying to keep his mind from racing, away from images of Alex in surgery, of chemotherapy and its ravages, of a cancer marching through her body, of statistics and dark numbers. "Well, it's probably nothing at all...it's usually something ...that's nothing..."

Alex kept touching the lump as if she could will it away.

Bobby took her by her shoulders. "Look, tomorrow you call your doctor, make an appointment. She examines you, finds out it's nothing, and I buy you a lot of margaritas in celebration, right?" He took her chin in his hand and lifted her head to look at him. Alex shivered and fell into his arms.

"What if..." her voice was muffled by his shoulder, "what if...it is something?"

"We'll deal with it." Bobby hoped he sounded more confident than he felt. "Most of these things--I can get you numbers if you want--turn out to be benign..."

"But what if..." Alex hated herself for torturing Bobby.

Bobby held her tighter. "Look, it's got to be really early...it wasn't there a few weeks ago...even if...it's..." Bobby couldn't say the word.

"Cancer," Alex said, and suddenly felt she could at least see the enemy.

"Cancer," Bobby whispered. "We'll deal with it. Look, there's no history of it in your family, right?"

Alex nodded.

"Good..." Bobby took both of her hands in his. "It's a scare...that's all..." He stared into her eyes. "Alex," he said urgently, "know this...know that I am here and I love you...and I will do everything I can to help you...and nothing will change that...know that."

Alex's weakened defenses collapsed. She fell into his arms and began to sob.

End Chapter 1

And I hope that I'm not trivializing any one's experience with cancer by using it in this story. Not my intention at all. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Bobby held Alex as she sobbed. "What can I do?" he thought. "I'm worthless...I can only watch..." Suddenly, violently, she pushed him on his back. She kissed him, desperately, hungrily.

The next minutes were a blur to Bobby. He was dimly aware of Alex's fingernails cutting into his chest and back, of strange, wild, passionate sounds coming from both of them. He found himself thrusting into her and heard shouts that sounded remotely like Alex and his voices.

She rolled away from him and fell into an exhausted sleep. Still gasping for breath and with sweat dripping off his body, Bobby rose on his elbow and looked at Alex's sleeping form. "I guess," he thought, "this is what happens to some women...payback for all those men who roll off to sleep after sex." Bobby looked down at his chest. It was red, with several bleeding scratches. "Wonder what my back looks like..." He fell back against his pillow, but he knew any hope of sleep was gone. Bobby slipped out of bed. He checked on Alex and brushed her hair with his lips before he padded off to the bathroom.

Alex woke with a start. She stared at her clock. It registered a few minutes past her usual rising time. "Someone turned the alarm off," she thought, and turned. "Bobby?" And then she remembered. "Maybe it was a bad dream...or just a sore spot..." Fighting panic, she felt her breast. It was still there, hard, like a stone. Alex sighed. She heard the sound of a printer in the next room. Slipping on a t-shirt, she stepped into her living room.

It was a grey and gloomy day, threatening wet and cold. The only light came from the computer screen, and it bathed Bobby's face in a strange, blue green glow. He was dressed in dress pants and a pale blue dress shirt, his untied tie dangling from his collar. He tapped on the keyboard and stared intensely at the screen. A pile of paper occupied a spot near the printer.

"He's been up...doing research," Alex thought. "He's fighting...the only way he knows how...know the enemy, define it, fight it."

"Hey," Alex said softly.

Bobby turned to her. His face was half-hidden in the dark and Alex was grateful she couldn't see his dark eyes. The fear she might find there would be too much.

"There's coffee," he said softly, and Alex thought he struggled to control his voice.

"You turned off the alarm," Alex said.

"I thought you might want to sleep..."

"Thank you." She went to get coffee and then returned to the living room. Bobby was arranging the pile of paper.

"I was doing some research...I've got reports on the best hospitals in the New York area...specialists...support groups...different treatment options..." Bobby studied the sheets as if he was a general preparing his troops.

"Bobby..." Alex clutched her coffee cup.

"New York has lots of highly regarded specialists...it's a matter of choosing the right one...I've tried to organize the information..."

"Bobby!" She stepped forward and gripped his arm. He pulled away from her and began pacing.

"Damnit! Stop it!" Alex glared at him. "Look, I'm the one with the lump in my breast!"

He stopped and stared at her. He held his hand to his mouth. "Alex...I'm sorry...it's the only thing I could think of...to help..."

Alex's heart bled for him. "I'm sorry, too..." She stared into her coffee cup. "It's just that...it's odd...I'm not scared, really...I'm angry, annoyed...and you're the nearest thing...and it's not fair."

Bobby walked towards her carefully. "That," he said extending a hand to her, "sounds reasonable and healthy to me..." She took his hand and held it to her cheek. "And frankly," he admitted, "I'm probably scared enough for both of us." He let his thumb caress her chin.

Alex smiled at him, and saw an ugly scratch on his neck. "Did I..." she whispered.

"Yea," he smiled, "and a lot more."

"I'm sorry," she said in despair.

"It's ok...it'll remind me to be more considerate."

"You're always considerate." She leaned into him. He hugged her.

They stood for several moments. "We got to get to work," Alex said.

"Do you...?" Bobby voice was muffled in her hair.

"Yea..." Alex pulled gently away from him. "Look, what I want, Bobby, is to just go on...until we know...I don't want to tell anyone at work...I don't want to tell my family...not until I have to...Maybe it's avoiding the issue, but it's the only way I can deal with it right now."

Bobby nodded. He watched her leave to get ready for work. "I'll try," he whispered.

The morning was hell for Bobby. He couldn't imagine what it was like for Alex. They arrived separately, as they almost always did. It was always difficult to pretend they were just meeting in the morning, but the cause was usually the electric current of passion between them. This morning, the current was charged, at least for Bobby, with fear. Alex arrived just after him. As she handed him coffee, she whispered, "I called on my way in...an appointment at 11...I'm telling Deakins it's just an exam..." And then she calmly settled to deal with paperwork. When Deakins arrived, she quietly followed him into his office. There was a brief exchange between the two of them, and Alex returned.

At 10:30 she shut off her computer and gathered her things. Bobby did the same--she studied him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Going with you," he answered, glancing around. The desks near them were fortunately unoccupied.

Alex shook her head. "No, you're not."

"Alex..."

"You can't do anything...it's just an exam...and since when does Detective Robert Goren accompany Detective Alex Eames to a routine exam?"

Bobby thought, "Since he fell in love with her...since she became his life..." To Alex he said, "But...you need someone..."

"If I need you, I'll call you." Looking at his forlorn face, Alex leaned over to him. "I will call, Bobby...I do want you...need you...but let's wait until I really need you." She straightened. "By this afternoon I'll be back and you can get me those margaritas."

"Wait," Bobby said and grabbed a large, bulging envelope. "Take these...just in case..."

Alex smiled and took the envelope. Their fingertips touched, and Bobby struggled not to take her in his arms. Then, with a wave, she was gone.

End Chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

As always, thanks for the kind reviews.

Chapter Three

The day passed with agonizing slowness for Bobby, pain alleviated only by Deakins' calling him to consult on another team's case. The absurdly simple solution unraveled in his mind to give him a few moments of distraction. Bobby spouted the answer so quickly that he was back at his desk before he realized Deakins and the other detectives were staring at him. "Of course they don't understand," he thought. "Alex isn't here to explain it." He checked his cell phone, as he had every five minutes that morning, rubbed the back of his neck, and walked back to Deakins' office.

"Sorry," he said, and proceeded to carefully outline how he reached his conclusion.

"Wow," one of the detectives said in admiration. "Now if we can convince Carver…"

"Threaten him with having to argue with Goren," Deakins said. "Thanks, Bobby."

Bobby returned to his terrible vigil. "The longer it takes, the worse it's likely to be," he thought, staring at his phone as if he could will it to ring. "I wish she'd let me go with her…I wish I could do something…I wish it was me…No, I don't wish that…I wouldn't want her to be in this position…I wouldn't want her to be going through this...Call me, Alex. Please, even if you're in the waiting room still…call me…"

He tried to lose himself in paperwork, but the thoughts ran through his head. "What if…I can't lose her…To see her in pain…I can't…Is this why my Dad left? Maybe it just wasn't that he was a selfish bastard…maybe he just wasn't strong enough…maybe I'm not strong enough…maybe I'm like him…maybe…" He forced himself not to call her.

It was nearly 3:30 when he got the call on the desk phone. Bobby recognized Alex's cell number on the display and hesitated to answer. After waiting so long for an answer, he now found he was terrified of what that answer might be. He took a deep breath and refuge in routine.

"Goren, Major Case," he said.

"Eames, Major Patient." Her tone was light, but Bobby heard an underlying strain.

"Alex." He breathed more than said the name.

"Listen, Bobby…the only way I can do this is for you to listen to me…we'll talk when you get here."

Bobby felt his heart twist inside him.

"It is something, but my doctor says it looks like a cyst. The specialist here at St. Agnes thinks it's a cyst. The mammogram lady who apparently helped invent the machine thinks it's a cyst. Everyone thinks it's a cyst, but it needs to be taken out and a biopsy done. And they want to do that asap. So, I'm here and they're going to do the surgery early tomorrow." Alex heard nothing. "Bobby? You there?"

"Yes, I'm here." Bobby leaned over the phone and shaded his face with his large hand.

Alex thought, "How hard this is for him…I can't think about that now…just keep moving…dealing with this…"

"Ok, I need you to do some things for me, all right?" she said.

"Yes," Bobby answered.

"I need my toothbrush, some pajamas, a couple changes of underwear…they think I'll be here for a couple of nights…something to read would be great…something I want to read, not what you think I should read…anything you think I might need, within reason."

"I…I won't bring your entire shoe collection."

Alex smiled at Bobby's attempt to lighten the mood. "Yea, you'd need a U-Haul for those. And Bobby…" Alex tightened her grip on the phone. "I need you to tell Deakins…He needs and deserves to know."

Bobby swallowed. Facing Deakins and keeping his composure would be hard, but for Alex…

"You got it. I'll be there as soon as I can. Anything else you need? Insurance forms…call your family?"

"I've got the forms…I want to wait on my family…no use worrying them…you, me and Deakins will have that worrying thing in hand."

Bobby glanced around; no one was near. "I love you," he whispered.

There was a pause. Bobby could hear the struggle in Alex's voice. "I…I know you'll be here. I love you too." The click of her hanging up echoed in his ear.

Bobby hung up the phone, took a deep breath, rose from his chair, and headed to Deakins' office. He knocked on the door.

Captain James Deakins looked up at the knock and saw Bobby Goren hesitating before his door. "Odd," he thought, "Goren doesn't hesitate…but he's been odd all day, even for Goren…it must have something to do with Alex…her appointment…" A knot of fear appeared in Deakins' gut. He waved Bobby in.

Bobby walked in and stood uncertainly before Deakins' desk. "Uh, Alex…" He rubbed the back of his neck. Bobby realized he didn't know what Deakins knew. He started again. "Alex just called…I don't know what she told you…"

Deakins spoke quietly. "Just that she had a medical exam…"

Bobby plunged forward. "She…she found a lump in her breast." Bobby saw a shadow cross in Deakins' eyes, and he remembered that the Captain's wife had had a scare roughly a few months ago. She was fine now, but was it cancer? Breast? Something else? "And she had an appointment…there was something…but everyone thinks it's a cyst…but they want to be sure…so they're doing a biopsy tomorrow at St. Agnes's…she doesn't want to worry her family, and she'd like me to bring her some things…" Bobby started pacing. "It's probably nothing…they think she'll be in the hospital a day or two at most…" He tried not to meet Deakins' eyes.

"All right," Deakins said softly. "You go take care of things…and it goes without saying you have tomorrow to be with her…and what time you need."

"Thank you. I'll let you know how she is…as soon…"

Deakins considered standing up to offer Bobby an arm on his shoulder, but he wasn't sure if he or the detective could deal with it. "Ok, Bobby…just…let her know…I'll take care of things…and we're with her…"

Bobby took refuge in his training. "Yes, sir."

It was that training that propelled Bobby out of Deakins' office, out of One Police Plaza, and to Alex's apartment. It was that training that got him through packing a bag for Alex and though the cab ride to St. Agnes'. It was that training that sustained him through finding where Alex was and though the long elevator ride up to and walk to her room.

She was sitting in bed, poking at food on a tray. She looked young, small, vulnerable. His training deserted him. Bobby was torn between running away and grabbing her in his arms. He settled for the safety of small talk.

"Maybe you should have asked for a burger?" he said placing the bag on the bed.

Alex smiled at him. "Edible food wouldn't make it past the nurses' station," she said.

"Bad?" Bobby swooped his head towards the tray.

"Horrible." Alex pushed the tray away and began sorting through the bag. She was pleased with most of the contents, but held up a large manual. "Didn't I tell you I wanted what I wanted to read?"

"Yea…well…I thought a psychological text would be good as a sedative." Bobby ran a hand through his hair. "What…What's going to happen?"

Alex studied him. "Tonight they'll give me a light sedative. Then, about six tomorrow they'll wake me up and prep me for surgery. They do the surgery, do the biopsy, find out I'm ok, I spend an uncomfortable day and night in the hospital, and go home."

He couldn't keep from pacing. "What if…" He rubbed the back of his neck.

Alex sighed. "They do the biopsy, check the surrounding tissue and the lymph glands, and then make a decision…"

"You've…talked with your doctors?" Bobby had moved to the window. Alex knew he wasn't studying the view of the hospital parking garage

"Yes…and thank you for all that research, Bobby. It helped…it really did…they're clear about what I want…" Alex bit her lip. "It's not important," she thought, "totally unreasonable…it's not going to happen, and even if it does, I know the answer…"

"Bobby?" For the first time that evening Alex's voice was small and weak.

He turned to her.

"If…if..I know this answer but I need to hear it…if they have to remove my …"

Bobby turned to her. In all of his fears the thought that Alex might be afraid of the loss of her breast hadn't entered his radar. He was too afraid of losing her. In two steps he was at the bed and holding her.

"I love you, Alex…you…not just a part of you."

Alex trembled. "Well," she said into his chest, "you do seem fond of that particular part of my body."

Bobby pulled back and studied her. He kissed her forehead, her eyes, her lips. He gently touched her right, and then her left breast. He left kisses down her neck and to her chest just above her gown.

"I won't lie," he said softly. "It would be…different…but I love you…and we'd deal with it."

Alex kissed him gently on the lips. As she nestled in his arms, a thought crossed Bobby's mind.

"I wonder," he thought, "if my Dad did the same thing when my Mom first got sick. If he said the same sort of things…and if he meant them…the way I mean them right now…Please…please…let her be all right…let me be what she needs…"

End Chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

Oh, it's angst, angst, angst. What do you expect from me? (g).

Chapter 4

Alex woke in the middle of night. She felt groggy, lost, disoriented. Then she remembered. "I'm in the hospital…they gave me sedatives…" she thought. Her left hand touched something soft; she looked down to see Bobby Goren's head resting on her bed just at her hand. His left arm reached across her body; his right one pillowed his head. It appeared he was sitting in a chair close to her bed and had fallen asleep out of exhaustion. "When this is over I owe him a lot," Alex thought. "But I can't…right now…it's selfish, but I just have to get through this…he's been wonderful…done the right things…said the right things…" She gently tousled the dark hair. Bobby stirred, murmured something, and his left hand found hers. She smiled at him as he fell back into sleep.

"I'm still not really scared," Alex thought, and, aside from her brief panic over the possible loss of her breast, her mood was still far more one of anger than fear. "Typical Eames reaction," she thought, but part of her reaction was the calm responses of her doctors, the nurses, and the information Bobby gave her. On same deep level, she believed she was going to be all right, and she simply wanted all of this over as soon as possible. Alex sighed. She felt herself drifting back towards sleep. "I should wake him up," she thought. "He's going to be stiff…" Sleep took her.

"Sir, please, wake up. We need to prep Ms. Eames."

Bobby raised his head. A nurse was gently shaking his shoulder. He sat up, his muscles protesting.

"At this rate you're going to need a doctor more than me." Alex smiled at him.

Bobby slowly stood up. Everything seemed to hurt.

"You should have gone home," Alex said gently.

"We tried to get him to leave," the nurse said. "But he wouldn't go…and he's very persuasive."

"Don't I know it," Alex said.

Bobby looked at Alex. "I…" There was so much he wanted to say, and no way to say it.

"I know," Alex said.

"Please," the nurse said. "We need to get you ready."

"It's just a couple of hours, Bobby, and then you'll see me and we'll plan for you to work off that margarita debt." Alex seemed quietly confident.

Bobby stood rubbing his neck for a few moments. He brushed past the nurse with as much care as he could and embraced Alex. He kissed her on the cheek and said in a wavering voice, "You be ok, all right? 'Cause I need you."

Alex nodded. "You can't get rid of me."

Bobby left her room. He stumbled about the hospital until a pitying nurse asked him where he was going. She managed to direct him to the surgery waiting room and also gently suggested he might make use of the visitors' shower room. Bobby found the shower first, and stared at the gaunt, stubble covered face in the mirror. "Damn," he thought, "I must have terrified everyone. No wonder they didn't try to get me out of Alex's room." He knew he had plenty of time before Alex was out of surgery. Bobby shed his clothes, hung them up, and stepped in the shower. He turned the water on as hot as he could and adjusted the showerhead to its strongest setting. The hot water pummeled his body, and Bobby let his body reach the  
consistency of spaghetti before he set the water at a cooler temperature. He washed, rinsed, and shut the water off. It was then Bobby realized there were no towels. "Improvise," he sighed, and shivered in the cool air as he made his way to the paper towel dispenser.

As Bobby grabbed one after another of the terribly small and sandpaper like sheets, he began to laugh. The laugh gave way to a strange yowl. "Stop it," Bobby thought, you're getting..." The yowl gave way to sobs. Bobby managed to turn on the sink's faucets to hide his cries before he slumped to the floor. Fear and rage consumed him. When he came back to reality, he lay naked on the tiled floor. He stared at his bruised and bloodied knuckles. He was drained, exhausted. Bobby dragged himself to sit and lean against the wall.

"Have to get up," he thought. "Find out about Alex..." He rose unsteadily to his feet. Bobby stuck his hands under the running water and winced as the hot water hit his battered knuckles. He finished drying himself and dressed. Before leaving the room, Bobby checked in the mirror. He was still gaunt, he still needed a shave, but he looked slightly less like a prison escapee.

Bobby found the waiting room. In spite of the early hour, several people filled its chairs and couches. His military and police training and his own  
experience caused Bobby to study nearly every room he entered. Directly across from the entry was a small window labeled INFORMATION. The couch on the right wall was occupied by a Hispanic man in his thirties  
with a boy of six or so and a girl of three or four. "Mother," Bobby thought, "I hope not here for the same thing as Alex..." An elderly man, fingering Rosary beads, sat in the chair closest to the window. "Wife," Bobby thought, "possibly child..." Two black women in their twenties sat on the left. They held each other's hands and occasionally murmured soft words to each other. "Mother...father?" Bobby thought. He glimpsed a ring on one of the women's hands. "Maybe the husband of one?"

Bobby moved to the window. A woman with guardedly sympathetic eyes greeted him.

"I'm...waiting for information about Alexandra Eames..."

The woman shuffled some papers, and peered at Bobby over her glasses. "You are?"

"Goren, Robert Goren. I…I'm her medical rep…."

"Could I see some ID?"

Bobby pulled out the first ID at hand, his police ID.

"A detective?" the woman said.

"Yea...Alex...Ms. Eames is my partner." And, Bobby thought, "my lover, my sanity, everything..."

"Yes...here it is...Ms. Eames went into surgery right on schedule...we haven't heard anything...we'll let you know as soon as we do." She was professional and calm, but she reached through the window to brush  
Bobby's hand. "She'll be ok...she's in the best hands..."

"Thank you," Bobby whispered.

There was coffee in the waiting room. Bobby took a cup and a seat near the family, one that gave him a clear view of the window and the hallway. The coffee was vile, but its taste barely registered in Bobby's brain. Parts of newspapers were scattered on the table; Bobby tried to read them. He heard the father gently speak to the children in Spanish. The little girl rolled a toy near him, and her brother ran after her.

"Sorry," he said to Bobby.

"Ok," Bobby said. "Es bueno."

The boy studied him. "Habla espanol?"

"Un poquito...muy," Bobby replied.

"Que es?" the little girl asked, catching sight of Bobby's badge.

"Soy policia," Bobby said, hoping his Spanish would last.

The father approached them. His son pointed at Bobby. "Policia," he said with some excitement. "Muy importante."

Bobby smiled.

The father knew about as much English as Bobby did Spanish, but the children were charming and adept in both languages. Bobby was right that the mother was in surgery; he was, to his relief, wrong about the reason. The father was a bit overwhelmed, and seemed grateful when Bobby showed the children his badge and did a few magic tricks for them. And Bobby was grateful for the distraction.

The doctor came first to the two women. He sat before them and smiled. One wept slightly, while the other looked joyous. "Good news," Bobby thought as he produced a quarter from the little girl's ear. The elderly man received the second visit. As the doctor left, the man made the Sign of the Cross and murmured "Gratia" as he passed by Bobby. A third doctor  
appeared and motioned to the father. He and his son moved to the doctor while Bobby helped the little girl with building a castle with magazines. The son translated as the father, with burning eyes, watched the doctor. A smile began to cross the boy's face, followed by a smile on the father's. The father shook the doctor's hand and hugged his son.

"Es bueno," the father said to Bobby as the doctor left the room.

Bobby smiled.

"Muy gracias y..." Bobby's Spanish was not good enough to follow the rest of the man's comments. He turned to the son.

"My father says thank you... and he hopes that whoever you're waiting for is ok," the boy said.

Bobby looked at the trio. "Gracias," he said.

With no distractions, time moved at a glacial pace. Bobby tried to read the magazines, to go over cases in his mind. He paced and glared at the clock. He fingered his cell phone and wondered if he should call Deakins. He drank more of the vile coffee, went to the restroom. "The longer it takes," he thought, "the worse it'll be."

"Mr. Goren?"

END Chapter 4 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

There is the "F" word.

Some people have told me that the process from diagnosis to surgery to knowing is longer. I'm basing this on some friends' experiences--one minute they were in the doctors' offices, and the next in the hospital.

Bobby turned to face an impossibly young looking man.

"Yes?" Bobby replied. The world had stopped for him.

"I'm Dr. Yuan, Ms. Eames' oncologist. I'm happy to tell you the biopsy showed nothing...it was a cyst, nothing more...we looked at the lymph glands just to be sure, and Ms. Eames is absolutely free of any cancer. She's in recovery, and should be in her room...Mr. Goren...Are you all right?"

"A cyst," Bobby thought. "A fucking cyst..." His eyes blurred and the world went dark.

"Mr. Goren...can you hear me? Mr. Goren?" Bobby flickered his eyes open. The doctor was leaning over him.

"Uh...yea...just..." Bobby shook his head. "She's all right...you're sure?" He clutched Yuan's arm.

"Yes...right now she may be in better shape than you." Yuan helped him to his feet.

"I'm sorry...I..." Bobby sat heavily on the couch.

"Are you ok?" Yuan hovered over him.

"Yes..." Bobby realized he hadn't eaten for one, two, days? "I'm just...relieved."

"Good...Ms. Eames should be back in her room soon...why don't you get something in you besides this coffee? And get some rest soon."

Bobby gave him an apologetic look. "Yes, doctor."

Yuan left smiling. Bobby slumped back on the couch, spread his long arms across its back, leaned back his head and closed his eyes. "She's all right," he whispered. "It was just a cyst...Alex is all right." He opened his eyes and caught the sympathetic woman in the information window smiling at him.

"I'm glad," she said to him.

Bobby smiled back at her. He flipped open his cell phone and dialed Deakins' number.

"Bobby, how is she?" Bobby hoped his voice didn't sound as anxious as Deakins.

"She's fine...it was just a cyst...no cancer...I'm headed to her room right now."

Bobby heard Deakins exhale. "Thank God...I'm glad, Bobby. Are you ok?"

"Nothing a little sleep and food can't cure." Bobby felt giddy with relief.

"Good...keep me updated...you take care of yourself, all right?"

"Yes sir."

Bobby shut his phone. His long legs propelled him swiftly along the hospital hallways. The need to see Alex overwhelmed him. He needed to see her, touch her, hear her, to know that she was ok.

A nurse blocked his way at the door to Alex's room.  
"Just a moment--she's just back from the recovery room."

Bobby rose to his full height to try to see into the room. "Is she...is she...all right?"

The nurse smiled at him. The floor's night shift had spoken admiringly and a little jealously of the sweet, large man who had spent a night long vigil beside Alex Eames' bed. "She's fine...just give us a few moments to get her settled."

For the next few moments Bobby hovered anxiously in the hall. Finally, after what seemed most of the hospital staff left the room, a nurse nodded at Bobby and let him in.

Alex, pale but smiling, sat in the bed. There was an IV in her arm and an ugly looking tube extended from under her gown. "Hey," she said. "Why is it I think I look better than you?"

Bobby feared he would faint again, but managed to catch himself. He walked over to Alex, took her free hand, and kissed her softly on the head.

"You heard about the biopsy?" he whispered.

"Yea..."

"Fucking cyst," Bobby said, and they smiled at each other.

"Hey, I could use some sleep," Alex said. "Why don't you get some food...or rest?"

"Ok," Bobby said. "You want me to call anyone now?"

"Yea," Alex replied. "Call my sister-in-law Eileen. She...she knows about us...she guessed...and she's the best person to break the news to my family...she'll understand why I wanted to be quiet about it."

Alex was asleep by the time Bobby had finished the call. He sat in the chair by her bed and held her hand. Bobby drifted in and out of sleep. Strange,  
awful images drifted through his mind, of Alex reaching for him, unable to find him. He was trying to reach her, but walls rose before him, mists clouded his mind.

"Bobby, Bobby..."

Bobby shook awake. Alex smiled at him. "We've got  
company."

He stood up shakily to see several Eameses at the door.

"Ya got some explaining to do, Lex," one of her brothers said.

Bobby found himself swept to a corner as Alex's family invaded her room. He was suddenly lost, out of place. He felt the need to be alone, and slipped out of her room. Bobby headed down the hall to the small waiting room. A vaguely familiar elderly man sat in one of it chairs. Bobby stared out the window.

"Hello," the man said quietly.

"Uh, hello..." Bobby turned to him. "Where," he thought, "of course...the waiting room this morning..."

"The person you were waiting...all right?" The man's tone was gentle and kind.

"Yes, thank you...she's fine...perfect..."

"Your wife?"

"No...my..." Bobby struggled for the word to describe Alex in his world..."Everything."

The man smiled. "My wife...she's good too."

"I'm glad to hear that." Bobby sat down next to the man. He was genuinely glad, although he certainly didn't know this man.

"Cancer," the man said quietly. "She's been fighting it for ten years now...they chase it...but they really think they got it now."

Bobby blinked. "Ten years," he thought, "how could you bear it for ten years."

"My...she...they were afraid she might..." Bobby could barely speak the words.

"I'm glad she didn't." The man rose. "I need to get back to my Rosa. I hope you and your everything have many years together."

Bobby stood up as the gentleman left.

"I couldn't do it...I couldn't do that...Ten years..." he thought.

End Chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Alex + ill Bobby Angst

"Hey, Goren...I don't know why, but my sister's asking for you."

Bobby turned from the waiting room window to find one of Alex's brothers--"Which one is it?" Bobby thought. He still had difficulty remembering which one of the reddish blondes was which--standing in the doorway.

"She's ok?" Bobby asked as they headed down the hall.

"Yea, as long as we don't drive her crazy. The nurses finally drove us out, but she wants you."

They arrived at Alex's room. "You," the nurse said pointing to the brother, "get down there with the rest of your mob. You," she pointed to Bobby, "she's asking for...and you're quiet and well behaved."

Bobby slipped into the room. Alex lay back, her eyes closed. He moved into the chair next to her bed as quietly as he could and took her hand. She turned towards him and opened her eyes.

"Too much?" he asked, his thumb caressing hers.

"Yea...well, there's a reason we call ourselves a horde." She smiled at him.

Bobby spent the night and the next day at Alex's side. He left only when her family appeared. The nurses managed to get him to go home briefly to change his clothes and to grab a few bites of food. He slept in the chair next to Alex. During the night Alex woke to find the nurse softly placing a blanket over Bobby. The nurse gave Alex a gentle smile.

"You all right? Need more pain medication?"

Alex returned the smile. "No, I'm fine...Thank you..."

"He seems to be a very good man." The nurse nodded towards Bobby.

"He is," Alex said as she drifted back to sleep.

Alex awoke the next morning to find Bobby reading the paper and drinking coffee.

"Where's my cup?" she whined.

"Coming," Bobby replied, "although your doctor was in a few minutes ago. You could have it at home...they're releasing you this morning."

Alex grinned.

Bobby stayed with her, listening to the instructions on how to care for her incision and writing down her prescriptions. He packed her belongings and would have wheeled her to the door if hospital regulations allowed. He eased her from the wheelchair and bundled her into a cab. He helped her out of the cab at her home and let her lean against him in the elevator. He opened the door and placed her on the couch. Alex heard him in her kitchen, and Bobby soon appeared carrying a tray with some hot tea and cookies. She sipped the tea gratefully. Through it all, Bobby thought, "Keep moving...keep thinking of her...don't think about yourself...keep moving..."

"Do you need anything else? Your pain pills?" Bobby hovered over her.

"I'm fine, really. Just sit down, Bobby. You're making me nervous." The tea had helped enormously, but Alex felt drained and nervous. The itch and pain in her breast wasn't helping her mood.

Bobby flung his long frame into a chair. He was restless. "You're sure...you're ok?"

Alex smiled at him over her cup. "Yea...just tired. I guess even minor procedures wear you out."

Bobby raised an eyebrow. "Not minor to me."

"Not to me, either." Alex put down her cup. "You...you've been great through all of this, Bobby."

There was a distant rumble of thunder. Bobby threw his body out of the chair and walked to the window.

"Storm on the way," he said. Alex felt him drifting away.

"Bobby...really...you said and did all the right things...all that research...it gave me so much to fight with..."

Bobby was shaking his head. Alex felt a growing, unreasonable irritation rising in her.

"I know..." Alex thought she had to try to reach Bobby, to tell him how much his actions had meant. "This must have been hard for you...I must have seemed cold...but it was the only way I could get through it..."

Another thunder clap sounded. Rain began to pound Alex's window.

Bobby rubbed his hand over the back of his neck.

"Hey," Alex said gently, "if you need to go home...or just want to take a nap...I'm ok."

He turned to her. "Alex...I have to ask you something."

Curious and expectant, she looked at him.

"I know what the answer is...I guess it's the week for asking questions we know the answer to," Bobby said. He paced in front of the window. The storm was in full force now, with the wind howling. "If I get sick, ill...like my Mom...you'll take care of me..." It was more of a statement than a question.

Alex didn't hesitate. "Of course, Bobby...but you're not going to get sick...every day you're not ill means your slim chances of getting schizophrenia get even less...and the treatments are much better today than when your Mom first got sick...you're no more going to get schizophrenia than I'm going to get breast cancer..."

Bobby stared at her, his hand covering his mouth. "I don't want you to," he finally said.

Alex stared at him. "What..."

"I don't want you to..." He was pacing furiously in front of the window. "I don't want you to have to...to do what I...had..."

"What kind of a person do you think I am?" Alex rose to her feet in spite of the pain she felt. "Do you think I'd abandon you?" Her fury was growing.

"You...you don't know what it's like," Bobby replied. "To be helpless...to watch someone you love...to want..."

"To run away..." Alex had a realization in the midst of her anger. "Through this...you wanted to run away..."

Bobby stopped his relentless pacing and stared at her.

Alex was tired, exhausted, and angry. She was tired of staying calm, tired of fighting, tired of wrestling with Bobby's issues. She was angry at her body, angry at Bobby. She struck out at the only target.

"You wanted to run away...not deal with this...well, then, just get out."

Bobby turned white and stepped towards her.

Alex thrust the knife forward and twisted it in Bobby's guts. "Go be like your father!" she yelled. "Just fucking run away!"

Bobby staggered away from her and bolted out of her house. The sound of the slamming door echoed in Alex's ears as she collapsed on the floor and began to sob.

End Chapter 6


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Standard

Angst. Makeup.

Alex cried. She cried because of the pain in her breast, her fear, her anger. She cried for Bobby, for his pain, his fear, his anger. She cried for both of them, for the damage both of them may have done to each other. "I can't believe," Alex thought, "what I did to him... what I said...if I'd hit him with a brick I would have hurt him less..."

The sobs finally eased. Alex dragged herself to her feet and walked into the bathroom. "Should I call him?" she thought as she washed her face with cold water. A huge thunder clap caused her to jump. Alex looked towards the bathroom's small window. "He's out in this...Oh, Bobby..."

Just over the storm, Alex thought she heard a tentative knock.

Bobby ran. He ran out of Alex's apartment. He ran down the stairs and out of her building. He ran into the storm and down the suddenly deserted streets. He ran until the pain from his knee and in his lungs forced him to stop. He staggered down some steps in front of a basement. Gasping, he collapsed on the steps and held his head in his hands. He had left his coat at Alex's apartment. The rain pelted him with cold slivers of pain. "I will not be him," he thought. "No matter how much it hurts, I will not be my father...I may not have a choice about becoming like my mother, but I do have a choice about this and I will not be my father." He lurched to his feet.

Alex tried to move silently to her door. "It better not be one of my family, or someone from the office," she thought. "I can't deal with them..." She looked through the peep hole. Bobby Goren stood in front of her door. He was soaked through and shivering, his hair plastered to his head, his white shirt stuck to his body. His arms, trying to provide him with some warmth, were wrapped around his body. Alex opened the door.

"I'm sorry," they said at the same time. Alex reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck; Bobby opened his arms and wrapped them around her. She pulled him into the apartment, and he shut the door with a sweep of his foot. They staggered into the living room and fell together on her couch.

"I'm getting you...everything wet," he said through shattering teeth.

"I don't care," she said. "Oh, Bobby, can you ever forgive me..."

"I deserved it..."

She shook her head. "Not that...not for me to rip your guts like that."

"It's just...I was so scared..." He pulled away from her, stood up and began pacing.

"Alex, I'm 46 years old, and I'm still trying to deal with my parents...I've spent my whole life trying to figure this out...I need to grow up..." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Yea, well your parents weren't the usual ones. I think you can cut yourself some slack on that." Alex leaned forward. "I've been avoiding how scared of all this made me, too."

Bobby looked at her. "I think we both know what's going on in our heads...doesn't make it any easier to deal with." He shivered.

Alex stood up. "C'mon. We need to get you warmed up."

Over his protests, Alex got him into the shower. She draped his wet clothes over a chair in the kitchen area and pulled a T-shirt and boxers out of his drawer. Alex slipped off her clothes and carefully checked her bandage. "Everything looks good," she thought. "I'm lucky I didn't rip a stitch out..." Alex left Bobby's clothes in the bathroom and headed to the kitchen. By the time Bobby shyly emerged from the bathroom, Alex had two large mugs of coffee ready.

"Here," she said handing him the coffee and leading him to the couch. She sat on one end, he at the other. Alex lifted her legs on the couch and draped a throw over them.

Bobby took a long sip of coffee. "Thank you," he said in a voice just above a whisper.

"Well, it's not much, considering what I said to you." Alex's voice was equally soft.

"I'm sorry I ran," Bobby said after a moment. "It's just...you hit one of my ..."

"I know...I can't tell you how sorry I am, Bobby." Alex starred into her coffee. "I was angry...hurt...and I had to hit something...and you..."

"Yea...Well..." Bobby was also starring in his coffee.

"If you can't hurt the one you love..." Alex said.

Bobby sat down his cup and moved to embrace Alex. "Who can you hurt?"

They held each other in silence for a long time. In the distance Alex and Bobby heard the storm subside, ease and end.

"Does it hurt?" Bobby whispered gently brushing his hand against her breast.

"Not much," she answered. "Do you want to see?"

He nodded. Alex leaned back and pulled the shirt over her head. She shivered slightly as Bobby touched and ran his finger over the bandage on her left breast. He bent forward and kissed it.

"I'm glad it's still here," he whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't know how scared you were of losing it. It didn't register with me...I was so afraid of losing you."

Alex took his head in her hands and kissed Bobby on the forehead. "Is it one of your favorite parts?" she whispered.

"Yes, but my two favorites are here," Bobby touched his hand to Alex's chest, "and here," and he touched her forehead. "Your heart and your mind...what make you you, Alex."

Alex trembled. "Please...make love to me, Bobby."

"I don't want to hurt..."

"You won't."

He stood up and helped her to her feet. He wrapped the throw around her and they walked together to the bedroom. Alex shed the throw and her underwear; Bobby stripped off his T-shirt and boxers. He pulled back the bedclothes and she lay back on the bed. Bobby stretched out over her. Alex wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. He kissed her and her body rose to meet his.

"Alex...I love you...so much."

"Love you, Bobby...I don't ever want to hurt you..."

"I know...I know..." he murmured into her right breast. He bathed the nipple with his tongue. She nibbled his ear and let her hand ruffle the hair on the back of his head. She felt hand move over her body, over her stomach...

"Bobby, you...I want you inside me...Please..." She caught his hand in hers.

Bobby lifted his head and looked down at her. Her eyes were wide, pleading. He kept his eyes on hers as he thrust inside her.

"Bobby...oh...Bobby...yes..." She gripped his hand tightly.

"Alex...so glad...love...you're alive..." Bobby's words dropped into incoherence as he fell into his orgasm.

"Bobby!" Alex gasped as she followed him.

Alex found herself lying on top of Bobby. He was stroking her head, muttering "Love you...won't ever run away..."

"You'll let me take care of you?" Alex lifted her head to look in Bobby's eyes.

He looked at her. "Yes...yes Alex. I...will..."

"You'll take care of me?"

"Yes...I promise."

"Good." Alex said. "No more scares?"

"No more scares."

END


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